Renewing your vows is a great experience
No, the contract did not run out. It was for life, remember? So why would it be necessary to renew the vows that we made?
If you were asked what you said when you married, the chances are you don’t remember. A video of your wedding might turn up the necessary information, but in many cases those written vows are impossible to find! So were they important? Here are three reasons why.
Firstly, there is a romantic and emotional element attached to this. If I think about renewing our marriage vows, I get a pretty sober feeling. This is not something we are going to do on the train on the way to work, and it’s going to need some thought and preparation. There are some strong feelings attached to what we say out loud, and it doesn’t get much deeper than making a lifelong commitment. It’s a challenge, and one that is worth thinking about.
Secondly, this is really a guy thing. Don’t misunderstand me; but in most cases it is the man who will have the most difficulty getting to grips with doing this. So it needs to be him that takes the lead, otherwise he will just feel as though his wife is pushing it at him. (In the cases where these roles would be reversed and the woman struggles with the idea of commitment, consider changing the initiator to the woman – but not necessarily).
Thirdly, remember… when you did this the first time you did it in public! There were lots of people listening and they all applauded when you had finished and kissed. Should this be a public event too? Perhaps it should. Why not let other people in on the fun?
A few years ago I attended a church service with a couple who were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They turned up just like it was a wedding, I think they even wore some of their wedding gear from 40 years ago. It was very moving to see these grandparents taking the time to make their commitment once again in front of friends, children and grandchildren.
They didn’t do this because their marriage was in difficulty, they did it to celebrate. Possibly they said to themselves “this was a great day, but we were so nervous about everything back then that we probably missed some of the good bits – let’s do it again”. Now the reality is that you don’t need to wait 40 years to renew your vows. You can do it much more often!
One of the things that I do is to prepare couples for marriage. There are a lot of standard things that we work through together as we do this, and it’s a chance for the couple to talk about some of the areas that they haven’t yet discussed together and to pre-empt some of the difficulties they may face later on. The strategy I take as we come in for our final approach to the big day is to work very intentionally on their vows.
You see, I have come to believe that what we say in those moments is very important. It’s impossible for a couple to express everything that they would like to say in the space of a few minutes, so they need to whittle it down to a compressed version that contains the essential elements. Some couples use the standard vows, and there is nothing wrong with this, but to personalise them a little is of great value.
The couple are invited to write their vows including the special attentions that they will give to their relationship. For instance, if you realise that you want to give special care to listen to your spouse, why not say so clearly? For a couple who come from different cultures or nations, they may want to make a special provision to honour their spouses culture. There are lots of ways of making vows very practical and personal, but this is only part of the story.
I invite them to write this in such a way that they can pull up these vows a few years later and use them as a sort of check list to see how they are really doing. Have they managed to do what they said they would, and if not, why not? It may be that after some years of marriage we realise that what we promised was nether accurate nor realistic in practical terms, and this might be the opportunity to revise that to something that hits the nail on the head.
So renewing your vows is not just about a general commitment to be together, but also about targeting very specific areas that are important to you as a couple. You should not be downgrading you commitment, but refining and clarifying it. Of course, it is also the opportunity to say some sweet and romantic things as well, and this can be great fun.
Clearly, doing this is going to take some thought and initiative. Perhaps you can join with other couples and do this together, making a real splash of it; or perhaps you would like to do it in a more intimate way with just a few family and friends. Either way, it’s important not to take your vows for granted, but to renew them from time to time.
Paul Marsh